Many of you unbelievers Think my rhyming cannot last So turn off your amps, tape players, receivers And listen to my verse full blast I promised a UD review Like Spandau Ballet ‘this much is true' And I’m quite sure that there are those Who prefer Chedda’s steady prose But something different I shall bring To the events section on USH And maybe some of you will rush Like when a piano riff kicks in No more delay – prepare my muse I’ll try to inform and amuse The pre-meet was at the Offshore Bar The tubes were f**ked, so I was late But as I do not live too far I arrived not much after 8 In the end there weren’t that many (I guess most peeps where saving pennies For Hardcore Heaven on Saturday) Of us setting off down York Way The queuing didn’t take too long But I do have one thing to say I think the bouncer must be gay Because he fiddled with my dong Up the stair I then did zoom To drop my bag in the cloakroom First on the decks was Cris.E.Manic With lovely braids all in her hair I thought she did well not to panic The sound kept cutting out – not fair! PLEASE NOTE: If you are reading Slammin’ Book Crissy, next even you’re plannin’ ‘Cos she deserves a proper chance To make the ravers groove and dance Next set belong to Darren Styles But still the sound was pretty shite Despite this though, he did alright At midnight the sound improved by miles Just in time for DJ Hixxy Who I think looks quite like a pixie The hardcore crowd were ‘aving it Handshakes and smiles were all around And at every vocal bit People held hands and sang out loud Hixxy adopted the DJ stance And blasted out some time-stretched trance Tunes like “Bullet in a gun” By Planet Perfecto, you know the one Next three sets? Dougal, Breeze, Scott Brown? In my mind they’ve all blurred to one But everyone was having fun I am not Chedda! Do not frown At my immense lack of detail So what if into insignificance I pale At memorising names of tracks Compared to spotters like TC To make up for this lack of facts I’ll tell a story that amused me. For the first half of UD I noticed this girl following me Because I’m not an evil tyke I’ll just say that she ‘weren’t my type’ I wasn’t sure just what to do She obviously fancied me But most girls do, and so you see Without being an utter poo How could I convey too this bird I’d rather hump a smelly turd? The room was packed and I was hot (In temperature AND sex appeal) So I had taken off my top My skinny arms I did reveal As my stalker followed me A pair of weirdoes I did see On Aspartame they wage hellfire Yes, it was Crissy and Dan Desire Crissy seemed quite in a fervor At spying my manly six pack But managed to hold herself back As usual Desire took it further He licked my nipple, then my face Then humped my leg – what a disgrace Now stalker girl, she saw all this Her disgust written on her face I think in her pants she did piss And then ran off at quite a pace! Now, back to music…where was I? Uplift on the decks I did spy! With tunes from my favourite label I danced as hard as I was able Then DJing was The Scratchmaster Sy, for once without MC Storm Which I thought was now the norm No matter though, the beats got faster All too soon it was 6 o’clock And the rave came too a stop Shouts to the Raw Elements Cru Steve and Crissy – you both were ace! Shouts to Chedda and Smithers too James, Charlie, HB, Gaby in the place Ponder, Karen, Tenz and Doc-E Astra, Frog, Wildcard and Vicky Wizbit, Desire (King Of Porn) Clint n Ruth, and KandyKorn DJ Sketchy (where was your bro?) If I missed you out upon this list I really hope you won’t be pissed But that’s all I can think of at the mo And MC Wizzkid – Shouts to you I know the next verse will upset you too This epilogue comes right from the heart I find it very hard to write I really don’t know where to start The tears in my eyes I must fight Somewhere between Bagley’s and my flat When I emptied my bag I found that I lost something, I don’t know where My Rave Badger just wasn’t there If anyone gets him back to me I don’t know how and I don’t care I’m in the pits of deep despair A SUBSTANTIAL reward there will be If never again I see his face I hope he’s gone to a happier place. I miss you buddy.
